I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
