Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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