Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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