how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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