So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
