i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
