after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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