He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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