Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
