the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
