just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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