I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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