3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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