then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
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i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
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Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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