I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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