Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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