I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
