What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
honey bunches of taint.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
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She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
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Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
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