how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
