Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
