If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
