The maid of honor just puked.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
