girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
