To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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