Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
