i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I will pee on everything he values.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I pour the whiskey from now on
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
