he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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