Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
