woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
