There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
