living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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