i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
