saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You smell like stripper and shame
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
