Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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