saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So vagazzling was a success
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
