just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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