I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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