I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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