Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
