Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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