I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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