My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
