if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude i'm inner monologue high
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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