I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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