U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
