at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
