"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
