Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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