if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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