I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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