I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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