What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
