I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
