are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
