I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
