you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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