he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
