shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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