probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
