Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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