By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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